just wishin, and hopin, and thinkin, and prayin

so lately its hit me that this is my last year of college
well duh
but... that means the real world.
with a real job.
and paying real bills (not that my bills now are any less real!)
but; that stuff's scary.
mostly the real job part.
like, what am i going to DO with my life?
i'll tell ya one thing; that sure is a good question.
so, well, as those of you who really know me know, i am a woman of faith, and i pray a whole heck of a lot.
so ive been praying on this topic for a long time. (and by a long time, i mean about a month or so...not that long in the grand scheme of things!)
anyhow
i just dont know what i want to do.
ive done the whole 'i want to be a professional ballerina' thing, granted i was only 3 or 4 at the time, but basically, ive dreamt big before
then there was the 'i want to be an archaeologist' bit of time there where i was obsessed with the history of egypt
then came the most feasible dream; the 'i want to be a teacher' obsession.
since i was probably 10, ive known that i want to teach.
i dont know, just something about helping someone learn something just really tugs at my heart strings
so that was a huge phase of my life. i even started volunteering in the elementary school i went to. yep, 7th through 12th grade i was at Silver Ridge Elementary working with kids, helping them learn. it was fantastic and i loved it! but then at the end, right before college, something changed in me and i deeply questioned if that was really what i was meant to do. i loved it, but what if i got tired of it one day? what if i wasnt a good teacher? what if i failed the children i was teaching?
these questions haunted me and in a swift little tap dance of sorts i switched my 'intended college major' from secondary education and english to music; vocal performance to be exact.
college began, with unsurprising anxiety as its sidekick. being a music major was great and all, but it wasnt what i was truly meant to do.
so english took center stage again and music took the chorus line. however, secondary education was still in the wings, on its way out to the audience to enjoy the show. i still doubted that i would ever be a good teacher; the same unsettling fears arising again. (darn those insecurities!)
well so now its senior year and im still an english major with a minor in music, and i want to teach.
there. i said it. i want to teach.
but heres the kicker; since im about to start my final year, its too late to enter into the teaching department here at western, without extending my time here another couple years. and as much as i love school (i want to teach afterall, so i must have some sort of liking of school), i dont really want to be in college forever, nor can i afford to be in college forever!
so i was talking with my roommate jamie about the subject.
the usual career points came up.
maybe i want to be an editor.
maybe i want to be in publishing.
maybe i'll never end up doing anything in english.
and then i spilled; for some strange reason, everything inside of me yearns to teach. i want to be a part of peoples' lives and to make a difference.
this is where jamie is the best idea thinker-upper ever (not to mention a pretty great friend and roommate!)
she says to me, 'well, have you ever thought of Teach For America?'
the lightbulb comes on.
TEACH FOR AMERICA!!!
why hadn't i ever thought of that?!?
this girl is truly a genius.
teach for america is a government sponsored program helping children get the learning opportunities they deserve, in places which dont always have the best access to these sorts of resources.
its really interesting and a really great thing they are doing.
you should check it out at https://www.teachforamerica.org/
so
basically
i want this.
i want so badly to get into this program.
and believe me, it takes a lot for me to have finally decided this!
i feel like 'the real world' has been a long time coming.
its like
when youre in elementary school you long for junior high as a means to get to high school. when you finally get there, its pretty good. the classes are better and there are more people to get to know. but really, everyone knows why youre living out those three long years roaming the halls; to get to COLLEGE.
getting into western was my dream for as long as i can remember.
then i did.
and it was amazing. everything i expected of college and more. ive met some of the most amazing people here.
so thats it, right?
just get to college.
thats the goal.
but wait; now college is nearly over and the real world is knocking at the door.
how do i answer?
should i take time to fix my hair in the mirror?
do i need to take a breath mint first?
how about make a quick sweep of my house and straighten anything out of place?
i feel so unprepared.
but then,
i take a second and look around me
i realize, im probably going to be okay.
writing those words; im going to be okay, its like its finally hitting me.
it IS going to be okay.
my parents have given me all the tools i need to succeed in life.
if i get in to Teach for America, i know i can do it. i know i can live far away from home (right now im looking at the mississippi delta area, or hawaii, or tennessee, or...who knows?)
i mean, i lived in ireland, and living in 'the middle' of the u.s. is basically half that distance!
plus i could come home for holidays
and oly's wedding of course! (thats something that hit me like a ton of bricks; being maid of honour i need to be there for her!)
and...
it'll be okay.
so i'll apply.
whats the worst that could happen? i won't get in. then there are job fairs and tools and resources to help me find a job. i wont be alone. i have my friends and family here for support and, as always, God and my Guardian Angels are looking after me. (I love you Grandpa George!)
and if i get in....
wow.
what an experience!
i sincerely hope i do.
so
i guess
after all of this, maybe ive gone from thinking maybe i want to do this and hopefully things will work out in the end to i CRAVE this experience and i KNOW things will be okay in the end.
its like my dad always tells me;
'everything will be alright in the end. if it's not alright, then its not the end'
and of course all i need is a little faith.
faith in myself that i can do this
faith that things will be alright in the end
faith in God.


'Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see'
Hebrews 11:1